THE LAST POST.


    My first blog started with the sentence " I was diagnosed with cancer two and a half months ago."
So this - my last cancer post  - will start with the sentence:
 " I was diagnosed without cancer two and a half months ago." (not strictly true but I have finished all the treatment) 

   There, that rounds it off in a neat and orderly fashion  - I like things to be neat and orderly  - I rarely achieve anything neat and orderly myself but I so admire those that do!

    But PLEASE do not de -blog me or un-friend me or whatever it is you do - there are plenty more blogs to come - just not about cancer anymore!

   My oncologist told me that after the treatment I would probably need to time to reflect quietly upon everything. 
     To be honest I am not a great one for reflecting quietly. If I have done something well then the moment I start reflecting on how good it was I can hear my Grandmother's voice saying:
'Pride comes before a fall'.... and immediately I have to stop reflecting. 
    On the other hand if I have done something stupid then there is even less reason to reflect  - frankly if I have made a complete tit of myself then I like to move on swiftly and forget about it -  and hope that others do the same!

    Having said all that - I would like to reflect quietly for a moment.
I would like to reflect on all those who have not been as lucky as me in their journey with cancer.

Tragically we all know someone - maybe several - who didn't make it and because of that the world is a much sadder place.

     You know me well enough by now to know that I usually end by raising a glass and I see no reason to change...

I would like to raise a glass to all those who lost their battle against this bastard disease and wherever they are let's hope that they are also raising a glass.

CHEERS. 
RIP

A VINTAGE YEAR.

    Driving through the vineyards on my way to radio therapy the other day it occurred to me that my life has been similar to that of a vine recently - no stay with me here  - it will start to make sense I promise.
    For example, last year at roughly the same time as the leaves were falling and the vines were being stripped bare of their plump grapes I too was being stripped bare of my outer covering.
    Whilst the vines shrank and lay dormant throughout the winter, so too did I, crawling under the duvet for hours on end. As the workers nurtured the vines -  my team of nurses nurtured me.


    The vines were fed nutrients from the soil and I was pumped full of poison - OK I never said this was a perfect allegory - but they both had the same goal in end - to keep us healthy and alive.

   And it worked - as Spring approaches and the new tendrils on the vine reach towards the sun so too do the new tendrils on the top of my head.
    I said to my husband that I felt like I was being reborn.
    "What as?" He asked.
    "If I came back as a wine." I persevered. "How would you describe me?"
    He replied without hesitation. "Complex."

    But it is true - like the vines I can feel the energy and strength begin to flow back into me, and like the vines I am hopeful that 2014 will be a vintage year.

   I am being reborn and I'm coming back to life - full bodied and fruity with a slight hint of acidity and a lingering aftertaste.





CHEERS!

WIG WHAM

    I am suffering from multiple personality disorder.
    This is not due to the drugs but due to my wigs. This self diagnosis occurred the other day when I was deciding which wig to wear to the Monday morning market.
    They are hanging on our bedroom wall and as I looked at them swaying softly in the breeze I realised that I had attributed them all with totally different personalities.
    I could be pretty in pink, freakish in flame red, smoulder in smoky brown, be predatory in platinum, whimsical in waves, or... I could go on .... the wigs are numerous and the choice is vast.
    Losing you hair is hideous and I never want it to happen ever again but that said it does give you a bizarre sense of freedom. You become a blank canvas, a clean fabric ready for some new oil paints.
    I have never regretted my decision to have several wacky wigs rather than one sensible hairpiece. Not everyone gets the chance to start all over - I have been sporting roughly the same boring hairstyle since my teens - so instead of bemoaning the fact that I was going to go bald I determined to have some fun with it.

    I did go to to a wig shop in Bordeaux and spent a pleasant morning trying out several looks but frankly the idea of a genuine human hair wig gives me the jitters - something about stepping into dead men's shoes and all  that - I know of course that is not the case but it still feels a touch creepy added to which they are hugely expensive.
    Wearing various wigs and scarves gives you permission to project a new personality and I've loved exploring certain facets of my character that to be honest I never really knew existed. Perhaps they were best left undisturbed - but too late now.
    It's all to easy to fall into the trap of behaving as you think others want you to behave. There are various traits which for various reasons have become hidden over the years and discovering them once again is fun.
    Maybe that is what lured me to the stage all those years ago. I love dressing up and I love becoming someone else, but with acting you have a script to work from, now with my wigs I can write my own script - it's not exactly Shakespeare but hey!
    I am not suggesting that we lay ourselves bare - heaven forbid - what a terrifying thought. Clearly there are some traits which have remained under wraps for a reason and should stay that way. The world does not need to see them. 
    But what I AM saying is that sometimes it is healthy to be a little less predictable, to take a risk and behave out of character. It gives us a chance to learn something new, something unexpected about ourselves.
    I always thought I knew myself pretty well but actually what I've learnt is that I don't know myself quite as well as I imagined and it has been rather intriguing - I hope it continues.
    My hair is slowly growing back. It is very dark with hints of white but any anxieties I may have of resembling a young badger are alleviated by the joy and relief of once more seeing a natural covering on my head.
    But.... I am not yet prepared to let go of my multiple personalities - I intend to keep them for a while and bring them out when least expected.
You have been warned!

BOTTOMS UP.

    Last year I was diagnosed with chemotherapy and have been undergoing cancer for the last five months.
    They have given me lots of side effects but they don't help with the drugs.
The doctor just says relax and he will take me easy.

    I hope that 2014 brings me all that you wish for yourself and more.

Goose your cook well, may your desire be truth and never let your full cup half empty.

I wish you a bright and phosphorus New Year.

Chins up - bottom, bottom.

Janie XXX